so here’s the story

I have thought for a long time about sharing our story, the good, the bad, and the ugly; and I think it is time.

I knew that I wanted kids since I was a little girl, I always said I want to be a Mommy when I grow up. In February of 2012 I had met my Prince Charming, and I couldn’t wait to settle down and start our family.

When you are young you try hard not to get pregnant. Everyone makes it seem like it’s the easiest thing to do; that if you even so much look at a penis you’ll immediately become pregnant! Oh, if only it were that easy!

We began “casually” trying May or June of 2012. We weren’t all in at that point, but it wouldn’t have upset us if we did get pregnant. In the Fall of 2012 we found out that I had cervical cancer. My OBGYN said we should get busy on trying to start our family “just in case”. Nothing much has ever progressed of this. I have had several biopsies and it has stayed stable, so we have watched and waited.

I really count that November as when we started to early try. Several months in no luck. I had been doing BBT, OPKs, checking my cervix (www by the way), and countless herbal supplements. Finally I asked my Doc for a little bit of help. She put me on Clomid. OH BOY! That was one emotionally roller coaster I (nd my hubby I’m sure) would just like to forget. After about 3 months of this at max dosages we decided it might be time to go see a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Thus began our long journey with the actual diagnosis of INFERTILITY.

I was devastated to say the least. I felt like I wasn’t a real woman because I couldn’t have a baby. That was only the beginning of the heart break.

Month after month, being poked, prodded, and violated 2 or more times a week; taking pills and injections, all we still saw were big fat NEGATIVES. I became more and more depressed. I began to lose my faith. My husband didn’t understand. I began to resent him for the 2 children he already had, telling him he would never understand because he had already had the miracle of being a parent. I began to pull away from him, from my step children, my friends, I didn’t want to be around anyone. My one saving grace through all this was an amazing group of ladies I had found online.

Then the big blow came. After our 4th or so IUI, my RE told me that the tests he had sent off to Mayo Clinic had come back, and it looked like not only were my ovaries half the size the should be (so ya all that swelling with the Clomid really was OHSS) I didn’t have enough eggs. We would most likely never get pregnant on our own, if even ever. He said IVF was not an option for me as I didn’t really respond well to the meds used to induce ovulation. I was absolutely devastated. I decided we needed a break; honestly I had just given up.

By this point I was really depressed. I had gain 40+ pounds. My marriage was in the toilet. I had become reclusive. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. All my friends were pregnant it seemed. My faith was gone.

Then some happened. Later that month I just didn’t feel right. I laughed and though maybe I am pregnant, Knowing that there was such a slim chance that it could happen. Low and behold when I peed on that magic stick it was right there….after 18 months of trying… I WAS PREGNANT!

I was over the moon. I just couldn’t believe it. How did this happen. We told everyone right away. My RE decided to follow me since it had taken us so long to get there. I had my 1st ultrasound at 5 weeks and 2 days and everything was right on track. At 6 weeks I had another, still looking good. Then at 7 weeks the baby hadn’t grown much, but there was a heartbeat! I was assured that we must have just miscalculated dates since we were “no longer trying” and that there was nothing to worry about, I was scheduled to come back in 4-5 days for a repeat. When I went in that morning I went alone as it was just a routine recheck. We began looking and baby had not grown and it’s heart rate had slowed down considerably. I was told to go home and rest and hydrate. I had been sick the week before so maybe it was all tied together. I would come back in 4 days and see what things looked like then. At 8 weeks and 2 days I found out that my precious miracle was gone. No heart beat. I was scheduled for a D&C later that week.

The miscarriage really took a toll on me. I hated everyone. I didn’t want to look at a baby or hear about someone being pregnant. What little faith I had when I got pregnant was completely gone. My marriage was spiraling out of control. There was a lot of fighting. I was spiraling out of control, into a dark place, farther and farther down the rabbit hole. I could no longer see the light.

I began going to a faith based counseling center. Having a third party to talk to really helped. I began reading my Bible again, I reached out to my friends that had a strong relationship with God and asked them for help. Finally I began to pray again. Finally I began to heal.

I began to look at what I already had and focus on being happy with that. I worked on being a better wife for my husband, a better mother to my step children, and a better friend to everyone who had stood by me through the darkness even though I had pushed them away. I was so blessed to have the love and support of family and friends through this time. I decided that if God blessed us with a baby, then it would be on His time and in His plans, not necessarily ours.

I didn’t really want to be intimate in the months following my miscarriage. My Dr. didn’t want me to “accidentally” get pregnant until at least 2mos had passed. I was fine with that. I had other things to focus on now.

I had a normal cycle in January; then we got snowed in 😉 I just knew I was pregnant after that. I would have only been 1-3 DPO, but I just knew. I remember telling my husband I thought I was. He looked at me like I was CRAZY. And why shouldn’t he. I had just finally started acting a little normal again. I had just started a new job closer to home with less stress. A baby was not in the plans right now.

Still I knew. I could just feel it. Like someone had whispered it on my heart. I began holding my belly, praying everyday. I had found a website that had prayers for infertility and a healthy early pregnancy, it became my daily routine.

I saw my 1st faint positive at 7dpo. My husband thought I was nuts, but I knew it was there. I kept testing everyday watching it get darker. Indeed I was pregnant with my Rainbow Baby.

I am more scared this time than before, but I have this strange calming peace this time. I know God is with me. I know now he will not give me more than I can handle.

I sit here writing this tonight at 7 weeks and 3 days. Tomorrow I go for another ultrasound. I am nervous. This is when my last pregnancy began to go bad. Logically everything looks better this time. My labs are all higher and even my 1st ultrasound looked better, healthier.

I hope that everyone reading this can gain something from it. Mostly if you are suffering from infertility, DON’T GIVE UP!!! God’s plan is perfect for you. It may not be what you originally wanted, but it will be the best thing in the world.

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