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Poem

Please Mommy don’t cry
Daddy don’t look so sad
I’m in the arms of Jesus now
So try not to feel so mad

God had bigger plans for me
Although you cannot see

I am such a special child
much too perfect for earth
He has a special job for me
And that’s why I couldn’t make it to my birth

I am always with you, watching over from above
You’ll know its me in the summer showers dancing in the rain
It’s me in the snowflakes and the frost on your window pane
I’m the gentle wind that blows, the butterflies dancing by
A child’s soft giggle floating in the sky
You’ll know it’s me giving you my very special hug
Sending you all my love from so far up above

So please don’t look so sad, and Mommy please don’t cry
Remember I am in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies

Stephanie Williams (2013)

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A Letter to my Angel Baby

Dear Little One,

On Thursday October 17th 2013 I found out I was pregnant with you. I hadn’t felt quite right and thought I would take a test just to see. You see we had been trying for 18 months with no luck and many failed treatments. I was told I would likely never get pregnant, so we gave up, and did nothing that month. Daddy and I needed a break. SO you can imagine my surprise when a second line showed up. I couldn’t believe it. I was so in shock, I though surely it must not be real. So I went on to work that day and went about my business and decided on my way home I would get another test. When I got home (I was staying at Grammas that night) I took the other test and it turned positive immediately. I was in such shock. I called your Daddy and he couldn’t believe it either. I went to the doctor the next day and sure enough I was PREGNANT!!!! My dreams had finally come true. A certain bible verse came to mind Sam 1:27. We were so excited. We told EVERYBODY!!!! I was 3 weeks and 4 days pregnant when we found out. The beginning of my pregnancy was rocky. I had lots of weird symptoms very early. I had dizziness, vertigo, and facial numbness, so I went to see the doctor. I was so lucky and was able to see you on ultrasound at 5 weeks and 2 days. You were just a tiny blob. The next week I went and got to see your tiny heartbeat. I knew you were my sweet sweet miracle. The doctor said we must have had our dates off. I thought you should be around 6 weeks and 5 days and the doctor said that you looked like you were only 6 weeks. The next week we went back and you hadn’t grown and your heart was beating very slow. I feared the worst. I prayed a lot. I cried a lot. We went back on November 18th exactly 1 month after we found out we were pregnant with you, and discovered that you no longer had a heart beat and had become an angel baby. Daddy and I were so heart broken. My heart ached for you. I had so many dreams of you and plans for our family together. Everyday has good moments and bad moments. Sometimes I cry for no reason. I wear a necklace everyday to remind me of you. You were so loved by so many people, more than you will ever know. Some of the best advice I got came from my dear friend Kristen she said that she had found peace after the loss of her baby by knowing that the babies we lost would never know pain, suffering, loss, sorrow, disappointment, or anything else bad. And that our babies were with Jesus and someday we would get to hold them again. I have joined a club that I never wanted to be a part of, The Moms With Angel Babies Club. I think of you daily, and will love you forever, and never ever forget you.

I carry you in my heart, until I can hold you in my arms.

I’ll like you for always
I’ll love you forever
As long as I’m living
My baby you’ll be

Love,
Mommy
11/25/13

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Long road

My procedure went well. Tony was there by my side every step of the way. This has been a heart breaking time for me. I’m not sure how I feel about going back to the real world tomorrow. I have my good days and bad days. And in each of those days good moments and bad moments. I’ve cried a lot. I’ve prayed a lot. I’ve asked God why and how things like this can happen. I’m scared. Scared I will never get pregnant again, since it was never supposed to happen this time. I will try to keep this better updated than I have. Thanks you for all the thoughts and prayers!!!

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No words

So yesterday at 8w2d we found out our sweet baby no longer has a heartbeat. We are extremely heart broken over all this. After 18 mos of trying and getting pregnant all on our own we lost our sweet sweet baby. I know time will heal us but right now it hurts. I am scheduled to have a D&C Thursday.

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So I don’t forget

Everyone always ask what were the earliest pregnancy symptoms you felt….. The only one I know for sure was my boobs were sooooo tender especially the nipple from I would guess conception onward till now. I remember thinking how strange it was because usually they wouldn’t get sore till closer to my period

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8 weeks

So yesterday was 8 weeks. I didn’t take a picture because I am still so worried about what they will say tomorrow. Any and all prayers greatly appreciated that my sweet baby will grow and that heart will beat faster